I Suck

Well, my project at work is nearing its deadline, which means we are all working 70-80 hours a week without any days off.

This is dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I'm stupid for doing it, and the people I work with are just as stupid. But we're doing it anyway. Why?

Of course, the only reason I'm doing it is because everyone else is doing it. I know I am not more productive this way. I know my assignments won't get done any faster. I know I'm burning myself out without good reason. I know it's the incompetent managers who should be suffering rather than me. But here I am, tired, pissed-off, and fantasizing about the perfect resignation letter.

I often think that I've matured as a developer (and as a person). I think that I've learned my lessons and will not repeat past mistakes. And then I make the same mistakes over again. What's worse: making a mistake I've never made before, or making the same mistake again and again? What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm weak. I don't have the courage to say "No", or to ask "Remember what complete shit we created the last time we worked ourselves to exhaustion?" I've spent the past six months trying to fix all the stuff we threw together at the last minute from the last project, and now I know we're setting ourselves up for another six months of bug fixing on this project.

I'm on autopilot. I'm just doing what's expected of me. I look at the list of fifty things that need to get done in the next week, and instead of saying "This is impossible," I just go on to the next item.

Maybe next time I'll do the right thing. But this time, I'm sticking with what is familiar. I'm an idiot.

© 2003-2017 Kristopher Johnson